Monday was September 10th. Probably the worst dreaded date on the calendar since last September 10th for my family and I. It was 1 year since my Daddy was alive. We've now made it through every holiday, birthday, FATHER'S day, a fall without hunting, a summer with a garden, visits without LifeSavers or 4 wheeler rides, and now a whole year has passed without me hearing my Daddy's voice or laugh. The grief process is a peculiar beast. The tide will roll in just to be hit with a tidal wave that consumes you once again. It is often lonely and always heart-breaking. It is hard to explain and even harder to put into words for people that may have not had grief so close to them. It feels so unjust and so unfair sometimes and I really feel like screaming and kicking like a toddler to have my way. I don't understand what God has done. I know I never will. Some things in life just don't make sense to our human brains.
Here I am in my 30's and have crossed a milestone that some 55 year old people have yet to reach. I didn't bury a grandparent until I was an adult. My kids have already crossed that milestone in their life and my brain tells me that Chloe won't ever truly remember him. I hear of couples celebrating Golden Anniversaries or big 80th birthday parties and it is hard not to feel a bit of jealousy that my Daddy got neither (they were at 43 years and he was 66 years old) . I hear of people that pray for health miracles and then receive that miracle and yet we didn't have a chance to ask God to help. His decision was made and it was final without us giving our heartfelt petition to the Father that controls all. Instead, I have prayed for peace, comforts, and understanding and praised him for being God even if I don't understand. "He gives and takes away" is a song that now has newfound meaning and brings tears to my eyes almost every time I hear it. I just wanted to say Good-Bye. No, I'm lying...I just wanted 15 more years.
Maybe the 2nd year will be a bit easier as the milestones roll around. I'm not really sure. I tell people sometimes how my Daddy never really leaves my heart. He is never far from my thoughts and there seems to always be a bit of sadness surrounding that. Time may not really heal all wounds. You just kind of learn to get around them, grow from them, appreciate the memories behind them, and realize that heaven will be even sweeter as you get closer yourself.
I've learned how strong the Waldrop family really is. I've learned what true forgiveness really is and I can only say that it is wonderful and sweet! I've learned how to reach out to other people a bit more during their sufferings in life and I have not forgotten those that reached out to me. I've learned that sometimes non-action can stab your heart so much that it hurts and I am ashamed that I may have been a part of someone's additional pain before all this. I've learned what NOT to say to those that are grieving and to just be sincere and be there. I've learned that no matter what happens in life, God is in control. Hugs really do make a small difference sometimes. I've learned that when it is all said and done, I may have been way more of a Daddy's girl that I would have humanly admitted to anyone as an adult woman.
