Scatter-Brained

I've always been a super organized person. I've always been a non-procrastinator and gave everything in life my all. I had a friend ask me how I was doing this morning in reference to losing my Daddy. I said, "Ok, I guess" and proceeded to tell her that we were stepping down from teaching after November. There are a few reasons for this, but some of it is my stress/anxiety levels being a whole new high. I really just want to release everything that is not necessary and then gradually reintroduce these things back as my mind and heart settle. I told her that I feel like I'm going to break. The feeling of knowing I have certain things in life that are NO choice, but the ones that ARE have to kind of go right now. I don't know another way to say it, but she nailed it. She has been through this herself (a sudden death of a parent) and said, "you feel scatter-brained" BINGO! That is it! I've never considered myself a scatter brain before, but here I am. Jamie has even noticed that I'm more forgetful and kind of all over the map in my emotions and where my brain is.

I'm beginning to find normal again I suppose in daily life and feeling the obligation of the "Sandwich generation" as well as my own personal grief. I do realize that my Mama is energetic, healthy, and young to be a widow, but I still feel this "sandwich" between 2 generations. My own house is obviously priority #1, but my Mother has suddenly moved up to a close #2. Thankfully Jamie feels this draw as well and we are on the same page, so he understands when I feel a compulsion to "take care" of my mother. While the unknowns of the future fall on her worries, I know in my heart that she WILL be taken care of financially, emotionally, and physically, because we will see to it and would have it no other way.

My mom has still gone to soccer games, called to check on us, and filled in at work for another lady that has also suffered an incredible loss. She told me the other day how much she needed us and all I could think was, "no, we need you." I told her that she was not allowed to leave this earth for at least 20 years. While I say this joking knowing that God can do whatever he wants and we found out all too much how quickly plans and life can change (without warning), I realize how important my family is in a whole new way.

We get so busy in "life" that we sometimes don't put the people in our lives a priority, hug them, visit them, tell them that we love them, and make time and memories with them a priority in our lives. You can't get that time back and it fleets before our eyes. My Daddy had plans he never got to as he thought he had "tomorrow". I'm positive my Daddy would have chosen to live as he was having a pretty decent life and retirement with my Mama. However, he didn't have a choice, but we DO have a choice in how we spend our PRESENT!

A Little Bragging/Updating!

My kids are going strong in their school work. Even through the bumpy past month, they have cruised right along and stayed the course. They are great kids and I'm proud of them. I'm amazed at not only what they are learning, but how much they are retaining. I try to remember that on the days that are less than ideal for one reason or another. Those days aren't often, but we all have "off" days.

Micah is cruising right along and loves having his work mostly on the computer. Surprisingly, he has not gotten headaches any more than usual, which was a concern of ours in the beginning when we tried this. The big girls have 1 subject on the computer too and they are becoming good little typists too. I'm really surprised how smooth this has gone, actually.

Chloe's math curriculum is divided into 2 books. It is an advanced curriculum and she just completed book 1 today! This should've lasted us until Christmas, so she is ahead of the game, for sure. I suppose in Jan/Feb she will be finished with Kindergarten math if she keeps up this pace. I keep waiting for her to reach a snag, but so far, so good.

Soccer is in full swing and all my girls are enjoying it and are all good players. Abbi scored her first goal of the season on Saturday. Hannah had several attempts, assists, and good defense. Chloe is the smallest on the team, but also the fastest (also the oldest! My short kids!). She is one of the few that actually gets the game and wants to be there. Some of the little girls would rather lay down on the bench than play.

Drama is cranking back up next Monday and I'm sure Micah will do well. I can't wait to see how much different this middle school group will be. Wait....did you catch that? Middle school!!! Rarely does this register in my brain since it is a non-issue in our house, but he really is a middle school kid...ouch!

Today marks the month anniversary of my Daddy's death. It is weird, because today really doesn't hurt any more than any other day at this point. Friday/Saturday is the hardest days for me and since it fell on a Monday, it really hasn't been any harder than usual. My mother had her well pump go out over the weekend too, so much prayers for her and her worries that go along with it. It is fixed, and now I'm praying for the bill to be lighter than she anticipates. That is all I can do at this point. I feel so helpless most of the time. Why does everything seem to happen at once?

I have 2 birthdays coming up that will make the first "real" milestones of Daddy's death too. I know they will miss their G-Daddy phone call and visit this year. I sure will!

Blessings Come in all Shapes and Sizes!

When my Daddy died on September 10th, he had no idea that his Rat Terrier (Sugar) was pregnant. He honestly thought she was getting fat. She is pretty young and he had put her up during her first heat to prevent puppies and then they were going to go to the doctor for the 'snip snip.' Dog breeding (or Mutt breeding) wasn't something he was interested in dealing with.

The weekend Daddy died, one of my nieces commented that Sugar sure was getting fat and that she looked pregnant. Considering the stress levels, I remember looking at her and thinking that it was a possibility, but it really wasn't a big deal in my mind at the time. Well, another week passed and it became quite obvious that puppies were on the way. Last week, Mama put her up in the pen to prevent her from wandering off to have her pups. Sunday, her eyes were all teary and she looked so sad and pitiful.

When my Mama arrived home Monday afternoon from work, after a bad day, after crying and feeling lonely, after calling me and venting about how she felt her life would never get better, and after missing my Daddy so greatly. Guess what she came home to? She came home to (what she thought) was 3 puppies. We have all been waiting in the wings and texts and phone calls were exchanged with much excitement and anticipation of the new arrivals. By Tuesday afternoon, she had discovered a 4th pup and by Wednesday the final head count ended at 5 (3 girls and 2 boys).

We went out yesterday to meet these little furry blessings. It is just hard to explain how much my family needed something like this right now. It doesn't bring Daddy back, It doesn't make that part easier to deal with, but it sure does bring a silly smile to our faces knowing that Daddy had no idea what was in store. God is smiling down on us even with something as small as a litter of pups!

They are so teensy and tiny, 3 spotted like Sugar, 2 are black. We aren't even sure who the Daddy is, but perhaps a beagle. We aren't sure and probably will never know what these little mutts are, but they are our little mutts! Now we are just praying that they stay strong and healthy!

And....I won't mention any names....none whatsoever...but there are 4 little kiddos that will have a little furry surprise in the backyard just around Thanksgiving time! It is a tip top secret and one that will be hard to keep, but worth keeping. The holidays will be rough in many ways, so this little extra smile from heaven will, at least, ease the sting a bit. My Daddy would be totally thrilled at the thought of my kids rolling around on the grass with their new furry buddy:-) I am too! Now....to come up with a name for a GIRL doggie that will keep the memory alive. We are leaning towards "Gigi" even though "Hunter (sounds kind of boyish), Peanut , and Sonner (joke!)" are all in the running. I suppose we have 6-8 weeks to decide!

Feeling Loved

We had talked a while back about visiting Poplar Spring again. It has been 3 years since we left there. 3 weeks ago when Daddy died, I had such an overwhelming outpouring of love from that church. It was amazing to me. Just looking out into the sea of funeral visitors and seeing those familiar faces that are only there, because they love you, is something you never quite understand until you are there. My mailbox was full of cards and notes from these people that entire week. I always loved that church, God called us elsewhere 3 years ago, and not until 3 weeks ago, did I realize what we were missing out on. I knew when they reached out to us in such a special way that we had to make the trip to see them and tell them that. WE finally didn't have SS duty for the first time in 4 months too.

It was so sweet to get those hugs, love, brags on my children, and feel like I was "home" in a way. The preacher is new, the song leader is new, but those people in the pews are the same. That church is moving, growing, expanding, and doing some new exciting things. I'm so happy to see how well they are doing. It doesn't even really take that long to get there with that new highway (where was that thing years ago when we needed it?)

I sat there this morning and pondered to myself. The music was more traditional than even when we left, the preaching style was similar to Bro. Dennis (not that that is an insult), you have to dress up a bit more to feel like you aren't the odd man out, but it is a trade off in our minds. Go to a church where they have a big huge heart and maybe not the "style" you prefer. Or go to a church where the teaching/preaching is challenging and thought provoking, the music is more to your liking, your children are learning to have a missions heart, and wearing a pair of jeans is even encouraged, yet perhaps lack something that Poplar Spring blows them away with? I don't know right now, but I'm praying for clear direction in my life. Our emotions are on edge right now and I don't want to run away from something good just because of flaws humans that fill those chairs.

I told the pastor before we left how amazing the love in his church was. I really mean that. It is RARE to find that anymore, I think. It is appreciated more than you'll ever know when life seems to be kicking you in the gut.

I will also say that our pastor at Community is beyond amazing. When I talked to him just this week about some of my feelings that I'm going through, he understood, prays for us, and is working on making things better. It is a 10 year old church with a lot of younger people and a lot of newer Christians. He admitted that helping people grieve is a weak spot in our church, and he vowed to me to make it better. They actually voted this morning, I think, to fill a new position to take the reigns of a new ministry to help with this. It is seeing "growing pains" so to speak from the influx of new people over the past 2 years. In the meantime, I felt a bit...um....forgotten (lack of a better word here) in my grief. I don't expect a pity party, I do expect some condolences and a listening ear, which I lack right now (from someone on the outside of this).

God bless Poplar Spring! I will always consider you home even if I don't go there anymore. It is very special to my heart!