Harder Than I Realized

Losing a parent is harder than I ever really realized, so God please forgive me for not understanding before Saturday at 3:20 am. There is a vacant hole in my heart that just hurts. It hurts so bad that I can't even really explain to anybody that hasn't experienced this. It was so sudden and unexpected that it has all been a freight train of mourning in hyper speed. I really feel for people that lose people in accidents, because in a similar fashion we weren't expecting this news at all. I don't know which end is up. I haven't even had to process it all and he is in the ground. We all know in our heads that we have to be on this end of things at some point in life, but I am selfish and wanted him to live to be OLD, see his grandkids grow up and make more memories.

Seeing the hearse drive by my parents house and pause made it all too real. I did pretty well at the funeral home and even seeing him laying there one last time. I cried, but I was alright. But I was not alright the second that hearse drove by my parent's house. My Daddy lived there his entire life and was always running up and down the road. I knew it was the last time he'd be down that road and by his earthly home. So, I became a screeching hyperventilating basketcase. I felt like the world was swirling around me in fast forward and slow motion at the same time. I wanted to stomp and scream and cry and make myself feel better yet I couldn't stop what was happening and I still didn't feel better. I stepped out of the car and I couldn't hold it back. Denisha came and grabbed me as I sobbed, then Davida. I knew I needed to walk yet I couldn't feel like I could stand up straight. I turned around and got in my husband's arms while my knees buckled and I screamed into his chest. I didn't care who was there staring at me or anything else at the moment. Time had stopped. I finally pulled it together and held hands with my sister to the hole in the ground where my Daddy's body will lay.

My Daddy is gone! My DADDY! I'm so mad about that!!!! My mother just retired this year and he was feeling so much better lately with his back. They had plans to do a few fun things and had even discussed her quitting to retire full time (she still works 2 days a week). He never got to take my kids fishing and he was going to this fall and I can't call and ask him how to plant my garden next year.

My Mama lost her husband of 43 years and seeing her go through this valley, is so hard. You just have such big plans in life and sometimes life is cut too short by our earthly standards. We don't understand this. God bless people that go through deaths of spouses or children. Right now I just can't comprehend. The last 5 days have been the hardest I have ever experienced.

I have also held my children as they cried and I told them that it is OK to be sad. It breaks my heart even more to see my kids crying, mourning, and not understanding. They've never been faced with death in a real way before and I had prepared them for great grandparents passing, but I never mentioned grandparents. NEVER! I didn't realize this would be reversed in our lives. I didn't think I'd have to tell them that their G-Daddy is in heaven, which is good, but he can't be here to play with them anymore, feed them lifesaver, or tell silly stories. I fear that Chloe won't even remember him, Hannah barely, and it breaks my heart, because I want them to hold onto it. They have seen alot of crying, laughter, tears, and questioning this weekend and they are strong good kids. I know that. I wanted him to see them grow up. Micah's middle name is David and that is more special than ever now.

In the midst of all this, we know that Daddy is with Jesus and his back no longer aches and he can see his sister, Mother, and grandparents again. We know the people that truly care about us, because they reached out to us even before the funeral visitation. Those phone calls, visits, food, and kind words meant so much Saturday and Sunday.

We think around 450-500 people (over an hour's wait) was at the visitation, and about 50 at the graveside. My Daddy was a loved man!

On Sunday afternoon my mother called us out to see a rainbow. It was the most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen and for the first time all weekend, I saw some peace in my Mother's face and some joy looking up at that rainbow. It was beautiful to our eyes, but also warming to our souls as we were reminded of God's promises. God be with us during this difficult time.