Our Best Seller!

My sister and I decided we are going to write a book on what NOT to say or do when someone dies. It is INSANE the things that people think is comforting. I was standing by her in the receiving line and we'd say, "add that to our book." Why don't they teach this stuff in schools? Maybe they should, because at some point we all have to face this. I mean sometimes just a simple, "I'm sorry, praying for you" is much appreciated followed by a hug.

Don't say (these are all taken from actual and true events from the past week):

• "When my (Grandpa, Uncle, cousin etc) died...." Yea, right now it is me that is going through this crap, so don't compare your stories. This is not helpful! This is my Daddy laying here, not a Grandpa or Uncle and that is completely and totally different anyways.
  
• "Death is a part of life" Yes, it is, but it has never been a part of my life like this, so this reminder doesn't help me.
• "Be so glad that he didn't suffer, this is the best way to go" Really? At 66!??!??! For my Daddy? Absolutely!!! For us? Not so much! Have you ever lost someone with no warning? There is NO 'best way' to go through this. Sorry folks, my Dad was fine one second, then gone the next and none of us got to tell him 'good-bye'. I don't want to watch anybody suffer (been there done that with Grandparents), but getting bulldozed by it isn't really all that better either. It all SUX!
• "You may feel guilty for a while for not getting to say anything to him, but that will get better in time" Ummmm....ok? That makes me feel very comforted since this is the part I am currently struggling with!!!
  
• "This is God's plan". Yes, I'm a Christian and fully believe that, but it is also Ok for me to shake my head and be angry with the way things happened. I don't think I'll ever be "ok" for my Daddy dying at 66 even if it is God's plan. I agree that it is, but it doesn't make it feel better right now.
• "He looks different than the last time I saw him" while passing by my Daddy's body laying there. followed by, "But I haven't seen him in 20 years". Ok, do YOU look like you did 20 years ago? Probably not, so this is a crazy comment.
• "Are you pregnant?" and I responded "No" and then the old lady pointed to my abdomen and said, "You might want to check and make sure". I think I just stared at her stunned! Seriously! I've had 4 kids, my body is not the size of a super model, but neither was hers! If this had been at Wal-mart, I probably would have cried, but in light of recent events in my life, I got a good laugh out of it. I suddenly did become paranoid that I chose the wrong outfit though.
• "It's OK" Nope, it really isn't OK! Not at all!
• "I know how you feel" No you really don't! Even if you have lost your Daddy, you still don't know how I feel, so just don't say that!
• "Was he sick?" I had to explain HOW my Daddy died over and over the other night. People are curious and mean well, but it was hard having to go through that a million times too. My answer, "My Daddy had some health problems that were under control and he could have lived with for a long time....he was not terminal in any way"
  

Don't:

• Take pictures. Yea, we had some friend taking pictures at the graveyard and we didn't want that. If in doubt, always run things by the family first, because they are what matters right now!
• Not be around in the beginning. It is funny how we have all remembered people that "should have" been there for us, but weren't. It is hurtful and something I can't even really explain. It is amazing how a simple phone call, visit, etc. can help you to realize who really loves you in times of crisis.
• Compare
• Put items on the Grave sight (or heaven forbid anywhere else) unless you ask the FAMILY...period! We found an item placed on the grave after we got back from lunch the day of the burial. It was not welcome in the least and was very upsetting to us all. Just don't!
• Underestimate what it is like to bury your parent if you have never been in these shoes. I've lost a Grandmother that I was extremely close to, yet nothing compares to the pain I am feeling at this moment. It is unreal! You know you'll have to face this some day, but you always think that they'll be 85 or something.
  

Do:

• Call
• Go to the family. I always thought I'd be a bother and in the way and Saturday was crazy with visits and phone calls, but afterwards I realize how much love there was towards my family.
• Go to the funeral visitation and if you can't send (at minimum) a sympathy card.
• Give hugs. I'm generally not a huggy person outside of my family, but those hugs were much appreciated
• Offer childcare. I had this offer and didn't really take them up on it, but it was just nice to know there was more options.
• Tell them that you are praying, but you also have to follow through on that promise! FAmilies need it long after the person is in the ground.
• Tell them that you are sorry and mean it!
• Tell them a funny or memorable story with the person that has died (I did like hearing good stories). It made me realize that my Daddy's memory will live on outside of my family and it makes me smile.
• Give the Grandkids something special just for them. My kids got a little necklace from our preacher/wife and they have not taken them off all week. Chloe also got a stuffed animal from her best friend in Owensboro.
  

So here is brainstorming for my best selling book. I promise to give everybody an autographed copy;-)

The past couple of days have been better around here. I usually can save my tears for after the kids go to bed at least (poor Jamie). I still have an ache in my heart that I can't explain. It was very strange for me to go to soccer practice last night and act like things were just peachy in my life when I feel like things are crumbling around me. God is good though and we Waldrop women are a strong bunch of ladies!

Pray for us as we learn to live without my Daddy.