Muddling Through

I told someone last night at church that I was "muddling through" life right now. That is kind how I feel. I don't know how else to explain it. I may look normal on the outside, but my insides are a huge confused mess. I wonder if I'll ever quite feel the same, actually. I've heard "time heals" but I've also heard that you never really get 'over it' you just learn to get 'through it'. I'm not sure which one of those choices I like better right now, honestly. Nothing sounds too good right now unless we can push rewind, and we can't. We are encountering "firsts"and "reminders" already with the slew of fall birthdays we have in our family.

I actually went a day this week without crying. Baby steps is still progress I guess! My hairdresser talked to me and as weird as that sounds it was therapy to me. She lost her dad without warning 5 years ago and she "gets it". Like REALLY gets it! I could really express my feelings and frustrations and she nodded along realizing where she was 5 years ago in her nightmare. I left there feeling a bit refreshed and didn't even care about my hair in the least (oddly enough since that is what I went for). For now, I'll take 1 good day and it is all relative at this point. Good compared to what? Not good compared to September 9th when I went to sleep, but pretty decent compared to September 10th at 3:20 am. I guess I'll take it.

Everybody has moved on (rightfully so, it doesn't effect them), but my family and I are still reeling from all this. How confused we all are that Daddy was completely fine and actually having a good few weeks and then snatched away from this world in his sleep. He went so peacefully too. I know that should make us feel thankful and maybe it would if he were OLD. I'm not very thankful about any of it right now.

I have successfully told my church "no" to 2 responsibilities presented to me the past few days. The pastor said I should take it as a compliment, but I don't really care right now. I don't ever say "no" much. I really just want to scream, "Don't you get it! My world is changed! I have to figure how to be normal again before I can put anything else on my plate! Don't you see that I'm busy with a husband that is gone at night and taking care of my 4 kids? I was actually pretty dang busy before all this, Don't you GET IT! My Daddy is gone forever!" The reality? No, they don't get it. They aren't meant to. It is not their pain to have. Most people asking things of me have 2 parents that they can talk to this very second if they chose to. I don't anymore! It makes me jealous at times. It shouldn't, but it does.

I've found that I can be around people and still feel lonely though. Isn't that strange? I go to church and feel misunderstood, unknown, and that nobody really cares what is going on (just what I can do for them). A place that should bring me comfort, I have to force msyelf to go to, and it is just not comforting to me. I go through bouts of being sad, angry, lonely, and even times where I have to remind myself that I'm not in a nightmare that I can wake up from. Everybody else in the world seems happy to me. I know they aren't. I know they may be acting just like me or they have conflicting emotions (like me), but it just feels and seems that way. I've found people, in general, pretty selfish and I suppose I am too. We are all sinful and selfish by nature.

I look at my husband and see a man that I love even more than I did just 19 days ago, which I would have argued was impossible. He is a good Godly man! I look at my kids and they are precious and so sweet. They are the reason I get up in the morning right now and muddle through the day (and smile!). I look at my sweet Mama and see a woman that is grieving her husband. A loss that I can't even wrap my mind around at the moment. God bless her! My sister and I can relate to each others pain as it is the same loss. My children and my nieces lost their G-Daddy (all too young to be dealing with this) and it saddens my heart for them and what they will miss out on. I'm leaning on God and my family right now.