Friendship and Humanity

They say it is through the good times and bad times that you find out who your "real" friends are. I agree with this statement more than ever, I suppose. You find out what your marriage is made of, your faith in God, and what kind of friends (or extended family) you have during a crisis. You find out what you are made of and how you handle things also. It is easy to have great relationships as long as things are happy and good, isn't it?

I've found that I can actually fake it really well . I'm actually not sure if this is a good thing or not. Perhaps it is 12 years of ministry that has caused me to be this way. No one expects everybody to be happy all the time, but in reality, that is what we want to see. I've learned to slap a smile on even if my insides are a crazy mess. I also realize that even though my family needs prayer right now, I rarely even ask for prayer from other people. I don't want to be "one of those people" that seem to whine about everything from a hang nail to someone dying, so I just avoid and go on. Jamie even laughs and said when I tell someone at church in our prayer circles that my family needs prayer, I just say, "My Dad died" very matter of factly without emotion either direction. I also realize when I talk about him to other people, I will say "my Dad" rather than "my Daddy"...maybe this is to disconnect myself a bit. I don't know.

My family has been through a crisis situation. We have all found out what it means to have family and friends reach for us and just let us know that they care even when they don't understand. I realized how short 6 weeks is in this stinking grieving process. I realized that simple hugs, words of encouragements, and a mailbox of cards really mean more than you realize when you are on the other side. It is hard to look around and see "life" carry on normally for everyone when your world has changed so dramatically, yet you are expected to be and act normal.

We all had family and friends that didn't reach for us in a real way. I don't know a nice way to say that. I could go into gory details, but I'll save it. I've learned quite a lot about friendship and humanity. People sometimes aren't your real friends maybe, they may not really "get it", and they may not really care (ouch!). That is a hard pill to swallow in life, I think. I think we learned this same lesson as we exited Owensboro when people we called "friends" turned their backs to us and didn't really care about us as living breathing people, which was lightweight in comparison to this tremendous loss we've endured to be honest. The lessons at the end are the same though. Who are your real friends? I've decided that I can probably count on a couple of hands the real people in our lives that do care. Maybe we are fortunate to have a strong family base that is also enduring this loss, our marriage is rock solid, my beautiful children, and a God that loves us. I know in many aspects we are very 'well off,' but our humanness needs people. We need to, at least, have the illusion of care.

I've also gained a friend through this though, which was God's design. She lost her mother this year and so we have bonded (unfortunately ) through these losses and puppies (she is getting one of Daddy's puppies). She is our age, and having a difficult way in life at the moment, but I feel that God ordained our friendship. In many ways, I feel like if she had not came to me that Sunday I went back to church, I may not have stepped back into those church doors and I wish that I was exaggerating. I can't even tell you the number of conversations through tears Jamie and I have had about people disappointing us and the feeling of being "alone" in this world.

As Christians we are called for a higher purpose. I've made a new mission in life to reach out to people that I may or may not know. I don't want anybody else in our church, family, or friendships to feel like they are alone. Maybe a word of encouragement, a card, a conversation will make a small fraction of a difference for somebody and God can use this as a redeeming quality to my own flawed personality.

With that said....my blog is my journal, so even if 9/10 of my blogging lately may seem morbid and unhappy, it doesn't mean that I'm in a state of depression or anything. It simply means that i'm grieving and going through that insane process and this ends up being an outlet for me to get things "out". While there are hard times, hard days, and reminders...Waldrop women are strong! We will make it!