Happy Birthday Abigail Renee!

Today marks Abbi's double digit birthday that is such a milestone. I can hardly believe it! She was born 5 weeks early and I remember clearly when they held her up for me to see, they put her little face up to my mine for me to give her a quick kiss before they whisked her off. She proved herself to be strong and a fighter during this time and she still is.

She is all girl in many ways. She loves glitter, dresses, playing dolls, and pink. However, she has outgrown the use of hairbows, can kick butt on the soccer field, get knocked down and get right back up, and pretty rough in tumble in a lot of ways. She is the best of both worlds and is turning into a girl with a good head on her shoulders!

She looks a lot like I did much to her dismay. My once shy little girl has turned into a social butterfly that can go up to anybody and become instant friends. She has a knack of even making the shy kids talk to her and will go over and sit by the child that is sitting alone even if that means leaving her friends. This is something that has been amazing to see. I always thought this little girl would be clinging to my legs when we were out in public and here she is outshining me!! Amazing!

Today she is 10! We are taking off from school, eating pizza, dirt cake, and opening presents. Jamie works this evening, and it is cold, but we will find something to get our hands into:-)

We had an early birthday celebration due to Jamie's work schedule.

Friendship and Humanity

They say it is through the good times and bad times that you find out who your "real" friends are. I agree with this statement more than ever, I suppose. You find out what your marriage is made of, your faith in God, and what kind of friends (or extended family) you have during a crisis. You find out what you are made of and how you handle things also. It is easy to have great relationships as long as things are happy and good, isn't it?

I've found that I can actually fake it really well . I'm actually not sure if this is a good thing or not. Perhaps it is 12 years of ministry that has caused me to be this way. No one expects everybody to be happy all the time, but in reality, that is what we want to see. I've learned to slap a smile on even if my insides are a crazy mess. I also realize that even though my family needs prayer right now, I rarely even ask for prayer from other people. I don't want to be "one of those people" that seem to whine about everything from a hang nail to someone dying, so I just avoid and go on. Jamie even laughs and said when I tell someone at church in our prayer circles that my family needs prayer, I just say, "My Dad died" very matter of factly without emotion either direction. I also realize when I talk about him to other people, I will say "my Dad" rather than "my Daddy"...maybe this is to disconnect myself a bit. I don't know.

My family has been through a crisis situation. We have all found out what it means to have family and friends reach for us and just let us know that they care even when they don't understand. I realized how short 6 weeks is in this stinking grieving process. I realized that simple hugs, words of encouragements, and a mailbox of cards really mean more than you realize when you are on the other side. It is hard to look around and see "life" carry on normally for everyone when your world has changed so dramatically, yet you are expected to be and act normal.

We all had family and friends that didn't reach for us in a real way. I don't know a nice way to say that. I could go into gory details, but I'll save it. I've learned quite a lot about friendship and humanity. People sometimes aren't your real friends maybe, they may not really "get it", and they may not really care (ouch!). That is a hard pill to swallow in life, I think. I think we learned this same lesson as we exited Owensboro when people we called "friends" turned their backs to us and didn't really care about us as living breathing people, which was lightweight in comparison to this tremendous loss we've endured to be honest. The lessons at the end are the same though. Who are your real friends? I've decided that I can probably count on a couple of hands the real people in our lives that do care. Maybe we are fortunate to have a strong family base that is also enduring this loss, our marriage is rock solid, my beautiful children, and a God that loves us. I know in many aspects we are very 'well off,' but our humanness needs people. We need to, at least, have the illusion of care.

I've also gained a friend through this though, which was God's design. She lost her mother this year and so we have bonded (unfortunately ) through these losses and puppies (she is getting one of Daddy's puppies). She is our age, and having a difficult way in life at the moment, but I feel that God ordained our friendship. In many ways, I feel like if she had not came to me that Sunday I went back to church, I may not have stepped back into those church doors and I wish that I was exaggerating. I can't even tell you the number of conversations through tears Jamie and I have had about people disappointing us and the feeling of being "alone" in this world.

As Christians we are called for a higher purpose. I've made a new mission in life to reach out to people that I may or may not know. I don't want anybody else in our church, family, or friendships to feel like they are alone. Maybe a word of encouragement, a card, a conversation will make a small fraction of a difference for somebody and God can use this as a redeeming quality to my own flawed personality.

With that said....my blog is my journal, so even if 9/10 of my blogging lately may seem morbid and unhappy, it doesn't mean that I'm in a state of depression or anything. It simply means that i'm grieving and going through that insane process and this ends up being an outlet for me to get things "out". While there are hard times, hard days, and reminders...Waldrop women are strong! We will make it!

A-Maize-ing Farms

Here is what it looks like. It did make me wonder how they cut the corn to make it look so perfect. Someone very talented!

Jamie was our fearless leader...scary huh?

On the Hayride:

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First of all, I cannot even tell you how much the spelling of that place bugs me. What is worse is that in some places it is written "Amaizeing Farms" (without the dashes) and that goes against all English and logic. You know, the saying, "drop the E before adding ING?" What happened to that? Ok, I do understand the play on words. We get it. A corn maze with the word "maize" in it is cute and clever, but I can't hardly stand to type it out!

Thanks to Aunt Deda we got free tickets to go. It was beautiful weather, Jamie had no studying to do (a rare treat around here), and so we decided to go check it out. They had bounce houses, a hayride, plenty of room to run and play, and of course the corn maze. I guess I have never been to a real corn maze of this magnitude. It was kind of crazy. They had a "clue" type game to play, which we started out doing, but the kids quickly lost interest. About 5 minutes into it, Chloe was saying, "when are we getting out of here?" I think she didn't really understand the point of it all. Why would you go intentionally get lost? We even made a circle at one point and ended up back where we started. LOL! It made for some funny memories though.

I think the kids enjoyed the bounce houses the most (that isn't a big surprise though). It was nice just to spend time with family though and relax a bit.

Happy Birthday Micah David!!!

I can hardly believe it when I say that my oldest child is 12. 12! That seems like such a huge number. Before I had children, I would have said that it was a long time, but as I look back at the last 12 years of my life, I say it is short....too short. He is growing and changing before my eyes. I can honestly say that he is the best little boy in the entire world to me (as there is no competition around here).

He is a child that will give his sisters the red lollipop and take the green even though red is his favorite, keeps the cleanest bedroom in the house, is a math whiz, loves to be on stage and entertain people, is very creative in his writing and drawing, looks like his Daddy (which makes me smile), will often clean the kitchen without being asked, and my only son.

My labor with him was short, but the 3 hour delivery about did me in. I remember begging the doctor through tears to get "it" out, because I was in so much pain and so exhausted. Not long after, here came my little baby into the world, tongue sticking out, eyes wide open, dark hair, and the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on to date. He is the child that marched Jamie and I into parenthood and changed our perspectives on life...forever!

He is so special and getting so big. You know your child is big when you can go to their closet and borrow clothes, slip their shoes on and they fit, and you can no longer stand behind them in a picture. Next year...he becomes a teenager!

Micah was named after my Dad and as we celebrate his first birthday without a G-Daddy phone call and visit, we are reminded of our tremendous loss from 6 weeks ago once again.


This year his piece of cake looked like it was on fire. Maybe next year we will opt for the number candles instead!


He got a comic book Bible, a Christian t-shirt and a beyblade. While he asked for the shirt and Bible the Beyblade was a surprise, so that ended up being his favorite thing, I think.

Oh look! Even Molly made it to for Micah's birthday! We found out that she likes to pounce on Jamie's face and attack him when he is laying in the floor too. She didn't do that to the kids, so Jamie must be special:-)

So Stinkin' Cute!!!

Who can resist that little face? Their eyes are opened, they are getting fat, and moving around more! BIG secrets are hard to keep, but oh so worth it! I can't wait to see my kids' faces when they find out one of these little furry bundles is ours. They still have no idea!

My Daddy will be smiling down...that's for sure!

Scatter-Brained

I've always been a super organized person. I've always been a non-procrastinator and gave everything in life my all. I had a friend ask me how I was doing this morning in reference to losing my Daddy. I said, "Ok, I guess" and proceeded to tell her that we were stepping down from teaching after November. There are a few reasons for this, but some of it is my stress/anxiety levels being a whole new high. I really just want to release everything that is not necessary and then gradually reintroduce these things back as my mind and heart settle. I told her that I feel like I'm going to break. The feeling of knowing I have certain things in life that are NO choice, but the ones that ARE have to kind of go right now. I don't know another way to say it, but she nailed it. She has been through this herself (a sudden death of a parent) and said, "you feel scatter-brained" BINGO! That is it! I've never considered myself a scatter brain before, but here I am. Jamie has even noticed that I'm more forgetful and kind of all over the map in my emotions and where my brain is.

I'm beginning to find normal again I suppose in daily life and feeling the obligation of the "Sandwich generation" as well as my own personal grief. I do realize that my Mama is energetic, healthy, and young to be a widow, but I still feel this "sandwich" between 2 generations. My own house is obviously priority #1, but my Mother has suddenly moved up to a close #2. Thankfully Jamie feels this draw as well and we are on the same page, so he understands when I feel a compulsion to "take care" of my mother. While the unknowns of the future fall on her worries, I know in my heart that she WILL be taken care of financially, emotionally, and physically, because we will see to it and would have it no other way.

My mom has still gone to soccer games, called to check on us, and filled in at work for another lady that has also suffered an incredible loss. She told me the other day how much she needed us and all I could think was, "no, we need you." I told her that she was not allowed to leave this earth for at least 20 years. While I say this joking knowing that God can do whatever he wants and we found out all too much how quickly plans and life can change (without warning), I realize how important my family is in a whole new way.

We get so busy in "life" that we sometimes don't put the people in our lives a priority, hug them, visit them, tell them that we love them, and make time and memories with them a priority in our lives. You can't get that time back and it fleets before our eyes. My Daddy had plans he never got to as he thought he had "tomorrow". I'm positive my Daddy would have chosen to live as he was having a pretty decent life and retirement with my Mama. However, he didn't have a choice, but we DO have a choice in how we spend our PRESENT!

A Little Bragging/Updating!

My kids are going strong in their school work. Even through the bumpy past month, they have cruised right along and stayed the course. They are great kids and I'm proud of them. I'm amazed at not only what they are learning, but how much they are retaining. I try to remember that on the days that are less than ideal for one reason or another. Those days aren't often, but we all have "off" days.

Micah is cruising right along and loves having his work mostly on the computer. Surprisingly, he has not gotten headaches any more than usual, which was a concern of ours in the beginning when we tried this. The big girls have 1 subject on the computer too and they are becoming good little typists too. I'm really surprised how smooth this has gone, actually.

Chloe's math curriculum is divided into 2 books. It is an advanced curriculum and she just completed book 1 today! This should've lasted us until Christmas, so she is ahead of the game, for sure. I suppose in Jan/Feb she will be finished with Kindergarten math if she keeps up this pace. I keep waiting for her to reach a snag, but so far, so good.

Soccer is in full swing and all my girls are enjoying it and are all good players. Abbi scored her first goal of the season on Saturday. Hannah had several attempts, assists, and good defense. Chloe is the smallest on the team, but also the fastest (also the oldest! My short kids!). She is one of the few that actually gets the game and wants to be there. Some of the little girls would rather lay down on the bench than play.

Drama is cranking back up next Monday and I'm sure Micah will do well. I can't wait to see how much different this middle school group will be. Wait....did you catch that? Middle school!!! Rarely does this register in my brain since it is a non-issue in our house, but he really is a middle school kid...ouch!

Today marks the month anniversary of my Daddy's death. It is weird, because today really doesn't hurt any more than any other day at this point. Friday/Saturday is the hardest days for me and since it fell on a Monday, it really hasn't been any harder than usual. My mother had her well pump go out over the weekend too, so much prayers for her and her worries that go along with it. It is fixed, and now I'm praying for the bill to be lighter than she anticipates. That is all I can do at this point. I feel so helpless most of the time. Why does everything seem to happen at once?

I have 2 birthdays coming up that will make the first "real" milestones of Daddy's death too. I know they will miss their G-Daddy phone call and visit this year. I sure will!

Blessings Come in all Shapes and Sizes!

When my Daddy died on September 10th, he had no idea that his Rat Terrier (Sugar) was pregnant. He honestly thought she was getting fat. She is pretty young and he had put her up during her first heat to prevent puppies and then they were going to go to the doctor for the 'snip snip.' Dog breeding (or Mutt breeding) wasn't something he was interested in dealing with.

The weekend Daddy died, one of my nieces commented that Sugar sure was getting fat and that she looked pregnant. Considering the stress levels, I remember looking at her and thinking that it was a possibility, but it really wasn't a big deal in my mind at the time. Well, another week passed and it became quite obvious that puppies were on the way. Last week, Mama put her up in the pen to prevent her from wandering off to have her pups. Sunday, her eyes were all teary and she looked so sad and pitiful.

When my Mama arrived home Monday afternoon from work, after a bad day, after crying and feeling lonely, after calling me and venting about how she felt her life would never get better, and after missing my Daddy so greatly. Guess what she came home to? She came home to (what she thought) was 3 puppies. We have all been waiting in the wings and texts and phone calls were exchanged with much excitement and anticipation of the new arrivals. By Tuesday afternoon, she had discovered a 4th pup and by Wednesday the final head count ended at 5 (3 girls and 2 boys).

We went out yesterday to meet these little furry blessings. It is just hard to explain how much my family needed something like this right now. It doesn't bring Daddy back, It doesn't make that part easier to deal with, but it sure does bring a silly smile to our faces knowing that Daddy had no idea what was in store. God is smiling down on us even with something as small as a litter of pups!

They are so teensy and tiny, 3 spotted like Sugar, 2 are black. We aren't even sure who the Daddy is, but perhaps a beagle. We aren't sure and probably will never know what these little mutts are, but they are our little mutts! Now we are just praying that they stay strong and healthy!

And....I won't mention any names....none whatsoever...but there are 4 little kiddos that will have a little furry surprise in the backyard just around Thanksgiving time! It is a tip top secret and one that will be hard to keep, but worth keeping. The holidays will be rough in many ways, so this little extra smile from heaven will, at least, ease the sting a bit. My Daddy would be totally thrilled at the thought of my kids rolling around on the grass with their new furry buddy:-) I am too! Now....to come up with a name for a GIRL doggie that will keep the memory alive. We are leaning towards "Gigi" even though "Hunter (sounds kind of boyish), Peanut , and Sonner (joke!)" are all in the running. I suppose we have 6-8 weeks to decide!

Feeling Loved

We had talked a while back about visiting Poplar Spring again. It has been 3 years since we left there. 3 weeks ago when Daddy died, I had such an overwhelming outpouring of love from that church. It was amazing to me. Just looking out into the sea of funeral visitors and seeing those familiar faces that are only there, because they love you, is something you never quite understand until you are there. My mailbox was full of cards and notes from these people that entire week. I always loved that church, God called us elsewhere 3 years ago, and not until 3 weeks ago, did I realize what we were missing out on. I knew when they reached out to us in such a special way that we had to make the trip to see them and tell them that. WE finally didn't have SS duty for the first time in 4 months too.

It was so sweet to get those hugs, love, brags on my children, and feel like I was "home" in a way. The preacher is new, the song leader is new, but those people in the pews are the same. That church is moving, growing, expanding, and doing some new exciting things. I'm so happy to see how well they are doing. It doesn't even really take that long to get there with that new highway (where was that thing years ago when we needed it?)

I sat there this morning and pondered to myself. The music was more traditional than even when we left, the preaching style was similar to Bro. Dennis (not that that is an insult), you have to dress up a bit more to feel like you aren't the odd man out, but it is a trade off in our minds. Go to a church where they have a big huge heart and maybe not the "style" you prefer. Or go to a church where the teaching/preaching is challenging and thought provoking, the music is more to your liking, your children are learning to have a missions heart, and wearing a pair of jeans is even encouraged, yet perhaps lack something that Poplar Spring blows them away with? I don't know right now, but I'm praying for clear direction in my life. Our emotions are on edge right now and I don't want to run away from something good just because of flaws humans that fill those chairs.

I told the pastor before we left how amazing the love in his church was. I really mean that. It is RARE to find that anymore, I think. It is appreciated more than you'll ever know when life seems to be kicking you in the gut.

I will also say that our pastor at Community is beyond amazing. When I talked to him just this week about some of my feelings that I'm going through, he understood, prays for us, and is working on making things better. It is a 10 year old church with a lot of younger people and a lot of newer Christians. He admitted that helping people grieve is a weak spot in our church, and he vowed to me to make it better. They actually voted this morning, I think, to fill a new position to take the reigns of a new ministry to help with this. It is seeing "growing pains" so to speak from the influx of new people over the past 2 years. In the meantime, I felt a bit...um....forgotten (lack of a better word here) in my grief. I don't expect a pity party, I do expect some condolences and a listening ear, which I lack right now (from someone on the outside of this).

God bless Poplar Spring! I will always consider you home even if I don't go there anymore. It is very special to my heart!