Bring on 2012

2010 was the hardest year I'd had to date. Jamie's job situation was stressful to say the least, we had an abrupt move, loss of "friends", and no home for a few months. It was a very sad year, although we did have some "good" come out of it.

2011 started off OK and we finished our house renovations in June and things were going well. Then in September, I got a phone call that changed everything. My Daddy died and nothing else mattered in the world. 2011 proved that 2010 really wasn't so bad after all, I suppose. I still miss my Daddy every single day and I never realized how much grief resembles physical pain. I don't understand it, but I have to reconcile that I never will and somehow move forward. To say that the last few months have been hard, would be an understatement. Our world has been rocked and will never be the same. He will never live to be old, will never see his grandchildren grow up, great-grandchildren being born, and enjoy retirement with my Mother.

Here I sit at the feet of 2012 and once again, I'm hoping for a better year. I suppose I had the same thoughts last year as we began 2011. In fact, I know I did. Ironic, isn't it? I guess the fact is that 2012 remains a mystery, live each day as if it is your last, pray to God that he will give you peace in your heart for the things you don't understand, tell your family that you love them and smother them in hugs and kisses, and enjoy each moment in life as each day is a gift.

So bring on 2012 and I pray that it is a peaceful one!

Mission Focus

As my children create their wish lists, we have parties and family gatherings, bake goodies and candy, wrap gifts, and anticipate getting up to a room full of gifts on Christmas morning. I'm trying to get them to focus on Christ, but also to have a mission focus. I have received a couple of magazines from World Vision lately. I have been intrigued by them and thumbed through them casually. This morning in our Bible study we reflected on children around the world that aren't as blessed as we are. We may be "poor" by American standards, but we are incredibly rich to much of the world who long for clean water, shoes for their feet, and a meal each day.

We had Bible study this morning and then I pulled out the magazine and we decided to create a donation jar for World Vision to help those in need. My kids were so excited, they went and grabbed their piggy banks and emptied it into the jar. I'm putting this jar in a location where we will see it each day. This isn't just a Christmas project, it is a Mission Project. While I know there are many charities and needs to be met right here in my own county, I also realize there is a world of basic needs that people lack, and a world that Jesus loves and wants us to love and care about as well. I want my children to realize that we are blessed beyond measure. I want them to see the WORLD that Jesus loves and wants us to love and give generously too as well.

Here is a verse that my kids memorized a few weeks ago that became our focus verse for this project:

2 Corinthians 9:7
Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

My heart smiled this morning as my children volunteered to get their own money before I even suggested it. They were a true example of a cheerful giver. While I told them it is perfectly fine to show love in gifts to our loved ones at Christmas, which is what we do. We should also realize that there is so much more to it! Jesus loves everybody and I think sometimes we tend to forget that as we walk out our front doors and see our little area of the world.

World Vision

So, Life is Busy...

I know I haven't updated as regularly. It is hard to catch a break and when I do (after the kids go to bed), I am lounging on the couch, watching some junk TV, and snuggling with my fur-baby. Many days I feel "behind" but I'm beginning to wonder "behind of what?" I think we all put too much pressure on ourselves.

We are almost halfway through the school year and my kids never cease to impress me. They are learning, I am learning (yes you have to relearn all this stuff sometimes), and we are cruising right along. Chloe is reading around a 6.75 year old reading level (give or take), Abbi is learning long division (oh the dread, but she is doing well), Micah is acing math, and Hannah is writing more descriptive than ever. I am so glad I can have this experience first hand. God has blessed us all through homeschooling. It was scary at first, but what isn't when you are being obedient to God?

Jamie is going to be preaching at the MCU church come January. To say that I'm a little nervous would be an understatement. I was apprehensive at first. The kids are settled and happy. Jamie and I are learning and content and then here we go again. Jamie really felt like God was leading to him this, so I told him that I respected that and let's give it a try. So, again, obedience is often scary, but I know it is worth it.

I am still on the roller coaster from losing my Daddy. I'm still just so confused by it some days. I just wish I could scream to God, "WHY!?!" at the top of my lungs and have an answer. I will dream about him then jolt awake of the realization that I'll never talk to him again on earth. I wish he could have seen my kids grow up (a little more at least). I wish he could have taken them fishing this fall like he was planning to. I wish a lot of things and now it is Christmas time....I have 1 less person to shop for and that feels....wrong. I still cry sometimes and I often feel like nobody understands how my heart feels with this missing piece. I don't understand any of this.

Gigi (named after G-Daddy, of course) has brought much life and fun to our house. She is just so sweet and playful. She plays hard, then sleeps hard and is doing so well. She is house training really well, crating at night without whining (finally), and is probably way too rotten to even mention already. We haven't had a dog in 16 years so to say that we are smitten is an understatement. I feel like I have a toddler around the house again with the constant "puppy sitting" but with 4 extra sets of eyes to help watch, it is working well. No disasters to speak of yet:-) A little piece of my Daddy sort of and our entire family has gone a little nuts over these dogs. God knew what we needed when we needed it and these Dogs have made us smile even on some very sad days.

My Mother is doing well considering. I always gets asked this. It is hard to say she is doing "well" because her heart is broken, but we keep her busy and she is doing as well as she can. We joke that we kind of just drag her everywhere we go, but she seems to enjoy herself and is trying to make some new memories. Thanksgiving was hard for everybody in many ways, but we all made it. Tears were flowing, but some of them weren't all bad. Mama is a strong lady and has us kids and grandkids to get her through, which is not the same, but hopefully a close second. She is trying to figure out a new normal. Losing a spouse rocks your entire world and you lose the love of your life.

Christmas is around the corner. We will be on break after next week and ending with a school party. Jamie's MCU party is tonight. I got a new outfit and hoping that I don't freeze too much. Why is it that all semi-formal dress outfits are FREEZING and then the guys get to wear suits? I guess I may be stealing Jamie's suit coat before the night is over. WE are also headed to MCU tomorrow to see Santa and get our annual picture.

Sorry this is long...I feel kind of behind in my blogs and thoughts. Life needs to slow down, but come January/February maybe things will seem a little more settled

One of the Best Moments of my Life!

You know how you have those moments you just want to bottle up and never forget? I had one of those moments on Thanksgiving! It was (hands down) one of my favorite Mommy moments...ever! Absolutely awesome!

We put our tree up Wed. night and while it was happy for the kids, I felt the lump in my throat beginning to form. The reality that my Daddy was not longer with us became all new again. I shed a few tears after the kids went to bed and got up the next morning feeling much the same way. I knew that we had big surprises in store for that evening, but I had to get to that point.

I walked in at my mother's and everybody was all a buzz and when all got quiet and Jamie began to pray for our food, but also added that we rejoiced that 'David' was in heaven but to please be with us as we miss him greatly during the holidays, we were all crying. I just missed him so badly these past couple of weeks!

We also saved one of the best surprises we've ever given the kids on that day. I did that with the intention of taking the sting out and I know that my day ended a lot happier than it began. God gave us a litter of puppies just a few weeks after Daddy died from Daddy's dog. My Dad always had a dog. He loved them so much and animals were always such a huge part of my life. We had many dogs, a couple of cats, chickens, ducks, birds, a horse, a pig, a cow, fish, rabbits...I promise my Dad was not Old MacDonald! We've just never been in a good 'place' to add an animal to our family, so we didn't. God's timing is always perfect though and sitting beside me right at this moment is a little black and white blessing!

We wrapped the crate and turned it into the room backwards with Gigi inside. The kids even named Gigi weeks ago thinking she was going to stay with my Mother. Gigi, of course, named after "G-Daddy" and such a cute little name for a pup. When they discovered that Gigi was a Hughes doggie, I don't think there was a dry eye in the place. They were so surprised and so happy that it just made a very hard day so joyous! Micah was in total disbelief, but the smiles on their faces were priceless as is this sweet little puppy! She has been a God send during a very difficult time. God knows just what we need when we need it, I suppose and I needed her! She has been a wonderful asset to our family already. I can't wait to make many memories with her.

And as Abbi wrote in her journal this morning, "Beat that Santa!" Yea, it won't ever top this, but that is OK;-)

Jamie bringing the gift in:

The kids wondering why they have a gift on Thanksgiving:

And the family photo:

Gobble Gobble!

I have very mixed emotions coming into the holiday season. I love to see the excitement and wonder in my children's eyes. I love to celebrate Christ, his birth, and the things he has given to me. This year is just different. My Daddy won't be sitting at the head of the table. His loss has suddenly become very heavy again in my heart as I was putting up my tree last night and we celebrate Thanksgiving today. I have so many people tell me that he is "better off", but in my human heart, I wanted him to see my kids grow up, live his retirement years with my mother, and just be here on earth a little longer. He still had much living to do and was feeling so good. I know that he is "better off" in my head (as we'd all be better off in heaven), but I wanted him around a bit longer. Maybe I didn't realize how much I needed him until he was no longer here. I don't know. All I know is that there is an empty spot in my heart that my never be filled and I just want to ask God "why?"

However, I have much to be thankful for. God has blessed us abundantly. I had the gift of my salvation 14 years ago, which changed my life and made me who I am right now. I have a wonderful Godly hard-working husband who loves us unconditionally. I have 4 kids that make me smile each day no matter my mood. I have been given the God-appointed opportunity to teach my children and see them grow in academics, but more importantly character. I have wonderful "extended" family that love me warts and all and I can be "real" with and who are my very best friends. I have good friends that lift me up and pray for me. I have a new church that challenges my thoughts more than I've ever been challenged in a church setting before. We have a cute little house that we finally get to OWN and fix up to our heart's content (I'm equally thankful that we are finished fixing it up for now though!). We are all healthy and that is also a gift! And the big event of the day is our furry little family member that will be joining us this afternoon. She is a little gift from heaven and a piece of my Daddy. There will be some puppy cuddles and smooches going on in the Hughes house TODAY!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Falling Apart

Last month I went to the doctor for my annual check up/blood work-up. She had me come in today to discuss the results. Well, let's just say that I feel like I may be falling apart! She started out telling me that I have hypothyroidism (like my Mother) and while I was trying to digest this and ask questions, she looked back down at the paper and said, "I'm not done yet" and I was like, "oh?" and she proceeded to tell me that my B12 levels were severely low and so was my Vitamin D. She said my body may not process B12, but after looking at the list of foods that are good in B12, there are probably other reasons as well, because I'm just not a big meat eater. So, I had to start shots today. I will go once a week for 5 weeks, then every other week, then another blood draw in 3 months to see where we are at. Sounds fun huh?

She said that some people have low Vitamin D coming out of winter, but for whatever reason I have a low level coming out of summer. I sit outside with my children while they play, take walks, sit at soccer games, etc and have a low Vitamin D level? So, I have to take a prescription for this.

She put me on some Amino Acids a few weeks ago, I will take 2 thyroid pills, a Vitamin D and a B12 shot weekly (for now). What the heck! I guess I better get me a pill box to match Jamie's, because mine will be stuffed full with 6 different pills (some I take twice a day!)!

It is hard getting old I suppose, but it is worth being healthy to be around for my husband, kids, and future grandchildren!

Daddy's Tombrock

Yesterday my Mama, Davida, and I spent all day looking at tombrocks. I don't think any of us realized how many details and decisions went into this decision. It was a bit overwhelming, but I think the final result will be beautiful and a wonderful representation of my Daddy. I think the man that designed it captured my Daddy's essence in a very special way. The rock will be black and a slanted type (wider at the base, and narrow at the top like a triangle).

The picture above is what the rock will look like. The top is the back of it with a deer, 4 wheeler, tobacco barn, squirrel, and woods. Perfect! My Daddy was the happiest outside, hunting, gardening, and of course on his 4 wheeler. Davida and I are represented on the back as well. The front is the picture at the bottom. It is more traditional to allow the black stone to shine through. We did add "G-Mama" and "G-Daddy" to again represent the grandkids in their lives.

I think it is perfect and I can't wait to see it when it arrives.

95 Years Young

I have several updates with cute pictures that need to be done, but I can't find my card reader and it'll have to wait and then it'll be picture overload I suppose.

I got a phone call yesterday morning that my Papaw was very ill. My heart sort of flip flopped as I thought "here we go again". I had visited with my Papaw on Halloween and tears flooded his eyes as he spoke about how it is hard getting old referring to losing all of his family that he had a hand in making. It was something that we had spoken of 1000 times since Daddy died, but to hear him say it made me so sad. His grieving has been different than ours. It is almost like he is just now realizing what has happened and he is suddenly missing my Daddy very much. He has buried both of his children and his wife. He has my mother (who is much like his own daughter) and us grandchildren left, but I do realize in many ways that it is not the same. He probably wished as I did yesterday morning that my Daddy was here to take care of things, but he isn't. If 95 means burying your entire family...count me out, please!

I visited with him last night and while most 95 year old people are not aware of the situation, he fully is and it is even sadder in some ways. He was scared. He mentioned my Daddy as he laid there in pain and he wants to do things how Daddy would have wanted them. He was difficult to understand, because his mouth was dry and we could only make out a piece of what he was trying to say. He looked so helpless laying up there. My last grandparent I have left and my only living "father figure" on this earth.

It was determined today that he has a bleeding ulcer and did suffer a mild heart attack. It was successfully clamped off and he is expected to make a full recovery. He is a remarkable man. He has been through and seen a lot in his 95 years. I suspect he will be deer hunting here very soon:-)

I sometimes have felt like the past 9 weeks have been upside down, inside out, and turned around backwards. I don't understand it and when I try to sit and figure it out, it just upsets me more, because I know in my heart that I never will. Tomorrow we are going to pick out a tombstone and it is another sense of reality slapping me in the face that this is not going away. My Daddy is gone and his name will be etched in stone to prove it.

Happy Birthday Abigail Renee!

Today marks Abbi's double digit birthday that is such a milestone. I can hardly believe it! She was born 5 weeks early and I remember clearly when they held her up for me to see, they put her little face up to my mine for me to give her a quick kiss before they whisked her off. She proved herself to be strong and a fighter during this time and she still is.

She is all girl in many ways. She loves glitter, dresses, playing dolls, and pink. However, she has outgrown the use of hairbows, can kick butt on the soccer field, get knocked down and get right back up, and pretty rough in tumble in a lot of ways. She is the best of both worlds and is turning into a girl with a good head on her shoulders!

She looks a lot like I did much to her dismay. My once shy little girl has turned into a social butterfly that can go up to anybody and become instant friends. She has a knack of even making the shy kids talk to her and will go over and sit by the child that is sitting alone even if that means leaving her friends. This is something that has been amazing to see. I always thought this little girl would be clinging to my legs when we were out in public and here she is outshining me!! Amazing!

Today she is 10! We are taking off from school, eating pizza, dirt cake, and opening presents. Jamie works this evening, and it is cold, but we will find something to get our hands into:-)

We had an early birthday celebration due to Jamie's work schedule.

Friendship and Humanity

They say it is through the good times and bad times that you find out who your "real" friends are. I agree with this statement more than ever, I suppose. You find out what your marriage is made of, your faith in God, and what kind of friends (or extended family) you have during a crisis. You find out what you are made of and how you handle things also. It is easy to have great relationships as long as things are happy and good, isn't it?

I've found that I can actually fake it really well . I'm actually not sure if this is a good thing or not. Perhaps it is 12 years of ministry that has caused me to be this way. No one expects everybody to be happy all the time, but in reality, that is what we want to see. I've learned to slap a smile on even if my insides are a crazy mess. I also realize that even though my family needs prayer right now, I rarely even ask for prayer from other people. I don't want to be "one of those people" that seem to whine about everything from a hang nail to someone dying, so I just avoid and go on. Jamie even laughs and said when I tell someone at church in our prayer circles that my family needs prayer, I just say, "My Dad died" very matter of factly without emotion either direction. I also realize when I talk about him to other people, I will say "my Dad" rather than "my Daddy"...maybe this is to disconnect myself a bit. I don't know.

My family has been through a crisis situation. We have all found out what it means to have family and friends reach for us and just let us know that they care even when they don't understand. I realized how short 6 weeks is in this stinking grieving process. I realized that simple hugs, words of encouragements, and a mailbox of cards really mean more than you realize when you are on the other side. It is hard to look around and see "life" carry on normally for everyone when your world has changed so dramatically, yet you are expected to be and act normal.

We all had family and friends that didn't reach for us in a real way. I don't know a nice way to say that. I could go into gory details, but I'll save it. I've learned quite a lot about friendship and humanity. People sometimes aren't your real friends maybe, they may not really "get it", and they may not really care (ouch!). That is a hard pill to swallow in life, I think. I think we learned this same lesson as we exited Owensboro when people we called "friends" turned their backs to us and didn't really care about us as living breathing people, which was lightweight in comparison to this tremendous loss we've endured to be honest. The lessons at the end are the same though. Who are your real friends? I've decided that I can probably count on a couple of hands the real people in our lives that do care. Maybe we are fortunate to have a strong family base that is also enduring this loss, our marriage is rock solid, my beautiful children, and a God that loves us. I know in many aspects we are very 'well off,' but our humanness needs people. We need to, at least, have the illusion of care.

I've also gained a friend through this though, which was God's design. She lost her mother this year and so we have bonded (unfortunately ) through these losses and puppies (she is getting one of Daddy's puppies). She is our age, and having a difficult way in life at the moment, but I feel that God ordained our friendship. In many ways, I feel like if she had not came to me that Sunday I went back to church, I may not have stepped back into those church doors and I wish that I was exaggerating. I can't even tell you the number of conversations through tears Jamie and I have had about people disappointing us and the feeling of being "alone" in this world.

As Christians we are called for a higher purpose. I've made a new mission in life to reach out to people that I may or may not know. I don't want anybody else in our church, family, or friendships to feel like they are alone. Maybe a word of encouragement, a card, a conversation will make a small fraction of a difference for somebody and God can use this as a redeeming quality to my own flawed personality.

With that said....my blog is my journal, so even if 9/10 of my blogging lately may seem morbid and unhappy, it doesn't mean that I'm in a state of depression or anything. It simply means that i'm grieving and going through that insane process and this ends up being an outlet for me to get things "out". While there are hard times, hard days, and reminders...Waldrop women are strong! We will make it!

A-Maize-ing Farms

Here is what it looks like. It did make me wonder how they cut the corn to make it look so perfect. Someone very talented!

Jamie was our fearless leader...scary huh?

On the Hayride:

e

First of all, I cannot even tell you how much the spelling of that place bugs me. What is worse is that in some places it is written "Amaizeing Farms" (without the dashes) and that goes against all English and logic. You know, the saying, "drop the E before adding ING?" What happened to that? Ok, I do understand the play on words. We get it. A corn maze with the word "maize" in it is cute and clever, but I can't hardly stand to type it out!

Thanks to Aunt Deda we got free tickets to go. It was beautiful weather, Jamie had no studying to do (a rare treat around here), and so we decided to go check it out. They had bounce houses, a hayride, plenty of room to run and play, and of course the corn maze. I guess I have never been to a real corn maze of this magnitude. It was kind of crazy. They had a "clue" type game to play, which we started out doing, but the kids quickly lost interest. About 5 minutes into it, Chloe was saying, "when are we getting out of here?" I think she didn't really understand the point of it all. Why would you go intentionally get lost? We even made a circle at one point and ended up back where we started. LOL! It made for some funny memories though.

I think the kids enjoyed the bounce houses the most (that isn't a big surprise though). It was nice just to spend time with family though and relax a bit.

Happy Birthday Micah David!!!

I can hardly believe it when I say that my oldest child is 12. 12! That seems like such a huge number. Before I had children, I would have said that it was a long time, but as I look back at the last 12 years of my life, I say it is short....too short. He is growing and changing before my eyes. I can honestly say that he is the best little boy in the entire world to me (as there is no competition around here).

He is a child that will give his sisters the red lollipop and take the green even though red is his favorite, keeps the cleanest bedroom in the house, is a math whiz, loves to be on stage and entertain people, is very creative in his writing and drawing, looks like his Daddy (which makes me smile), will often clean the kitchen without being asked, and my only son.

My labor with him was short, but the 3 hour delivery about did me in. I remember begging the doctor through tears to get "it" out, because I was in so much pain and so exhausted. Not long after, here came my little baby into the world, tongue sticking out, eyes wide open, dark hair, and the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on to date. He is the child that marched Jamie and I into parenthood and changed our perspectives on life...forever!

He is so special and getting so big. You know your child is big when you can go to their closet and borrow clothes, slip their shoes on and they fit, and you can no longer stand behind them in a picture. Next year...he becomes a teenager!

Micah was named after my Dad and as we celebrate his first birthday without a G-Daddy phone call and visit, we are reminded of our tremendous loss from 6 weeks ago once again.


This year his piece of cake looked like it was on fire. Maybe next year we will opt for the number candles instead!


He got a comic book Bible, a Christian t-shirt and a beyblade. While he asked for the shirt and Bible the Beyblade was a surprise, so that ended up being his favorite thing, I think.

Oh look! Even Molly made it to for Micah's birthday! We found out that she likes to pounce on Jamie's face and attack him when he is laying in the floor too. She didn't do that to the kids, so Jamie must be special:-)

So Stinkin' Cute!!!

Who can resist that little face? Their eyes are opened, they are getting fat, and moving around more! BIG secrets are hard to keep, but oh so worth it! I can't wait to see my kids' faces when they find out one of these little furry bundles is ours. They still have no idea!

My Daddy will be smiling down...that's for sure!

Scatter-Brained

I've always been a super organized person. I've always been a non-procrastinator and gave everything in life my all. I had a friend ask me how I was doing this morning in reference to losing my Daddy. I said, "Ok, I guess" and proceeded to tell her that we were stepping down from teaching after November. There are a few reasons for this, but some of it is my stress/anxiety levels being a whole new high. I really just want to release everything that is not necessary and then gradually reintroduce these things back as my mind and heart settle. I told her that I feel like I'm going to break. The feeling of knowing I have certain things in life that are NO choice, but the ones that ARE have to kind of go right now. I don't know another way to say it, but she nailed it. She has been through this herself (a sudden death of a parent) and said, "you feel scatter-brained" BINGO! That is it! I've never considered myself a scatter brain before, but here I am. Jamie has even noticed that I'm more forgetful and kind of all over the map in my emotions and where my brain is.

I'm beginning to find normal again I suppose in daily life and feeling the obligation of the "Sandwich generation" as well as my own personal grief. I do realize that my Mama is energetic, healthy, and young to be a widow, but I still feel this "sandwich" between 2 generations. My own house is obviously priority #1, but my Mother has suddenly moved up to a close #2. Thankfully Jamie feels this draw as well and we are on the same page, so he understands when I feel a compulsion to "take care" of my mother. While the unknowns of the future fall on her worries, I know in my heart that she WILL be taken care of financially, emotionally, and physically, because we will see to it and would have it no other way.

My mom has still gone to soccer games, called to check on us, and filled in at work for another lady that has also suffered an incredible loss. She told me the other day how much she needed us and all I could think was, "no, we need you." I told her that she was not allowed to leave this earth for at least 20 years. While I say this joking knowing that God can do whatever he wants and we found out all too much how quickly plans and life can change (without warning), I realize how important my family is in a whole new way.

We get so busy in "life" that we sometimes don't put the people in our lives a priority, hug them, visit them, tell them that we love them, and make time and memories with them a priority in our lives. You can't get that time back and it fleets before our eyes. My Daddy had plans he never got to as he thought he had "tomorrow". I'm positive my Daddy would have chosen to live as he was having a pretty decent life and retirement with my Mama. However, he didn't have a choice, but we DO have a choice in how we spend our PRESENT!

A Little Bragging/Updating!

My kids are going strong in their school work. Even through the bumpy past month, they have cruised right along and stayed the course. They are great kids and I'm proud of them. I'm amazed at not only what they are learning, but how much they are retaining. I try to remember that on the days that are less than ideal for one reason or another. Those days aren't often, but we all have "off" days.

Micah is cruising right along and loves having his work mostly on the computer. Surprisingly, he has not gotten headaches any more than usual, which was a concern of ours in the beginning when we tried this. The big girls have 1 subject on the computer too and they are becoming good little typists too. I'm really surprised how smooth this has gone, actually.

Chloe's math curriculum is divided into 2 books. It is an advanced curriculum and she just completed book 1 today! This should've lasted us until Christmas, so she is ahead of the game, for sure. I suppose in Jan/Feb she will be finished with Kindergarten math if she keeps up this pace. I keep waiting for her to reach a snag, but so far, so good.

Soccer is in full swing and all my girls are enjoying it and are all good players. Abbi scored her first goal of the season on Saturday. Hannah had several attempts, assists, and good defense. Chloe is the smallest on the team, but also the fastest (also the oldest! My short kids!). She is one of the few that actually gets the game and wants to be there. Some of the little girls would rather lay down on the bench than play.

Drama is cranking back up next Monday and I'm sure Micah will do well. I can't wait to see how much different this middle school group will be. Wait....did you catch that? Middle school!!! Rarely does this register in my brain since it is a non-issue in our house, but he really is a middle school kid...ouch!

Today marks the month anniversary of my Daddy's death. It is weird, because today really doesn't hurt any more than any other day at this point. Friday/Saturday is the hardest days for me and since it fell on a Monday, it really hasn't been any harder than usual. My mother had her well pump go out over the weekend too, so much prayers for her and her worries that go along with it. It is fixed, and now I'm praying for the bill to be lighter than she anticipates. That is all I can do at this point. I feel so helpless most of the time. Why does everything seem to happen at once?

I have 2 birthdays coming up that will make the first "real" milestones of Daddy's death too. I know they will miss their G-Daddy phone call and visit this year. I sure will!

Blessings Come in all Shapes and Sizes!

When my Daddy died on September 10th, he had no idea that his Rat Terrier (Sugar) was pregnant. He honestly thought she was getting fat. She is pretty young and he had put her up during her first heat to prevent puppies and then they were going to go to the doctor for the 'snip snip.' Dog breeding (or Mutt breeding) wasn't something he was interested in dealing with.

The weekend Daddy died, one of my nieces commented that Sugar sure was getting fat and that she looked pregnant. Considering the stress levels, I remember looking at her and thinking that it was a possibility, but it really wasn't a big deal in my mind at the time. Well, another week passed and it became quite obvious that puppies were on the way. Last week, Mama put her up in the pen to prevent her from wandering off to have her pups. Sunday, her eyes were all teary and she looked so sad and pitiful.

When my Mama arrived home Monday afternoon from work, after a bad day, after crying and feeling lonely, after calling me and venting about how she felt her life would never get better, and after missing my Daddy so greatly. Guess what she came home to? She came home to (what she thought) was 3 puppies. We have all been waiting in the wings and texts and phone calls were exchanged with much excitement and anticipation of the new arrivals. By Tuesday afternoon, she had discovered a 4th pup and by Wednesday the final head count ended at 5 (3 girls and 2 boys).

We went out yesterday to meet these little furry blessings. It is just hard to explain how much my family needed something like this right now. It doesn't bring Daddy back, It doesn't make that part easier to deal with, but it sure does bring a silly smile to our faces knowing that Daddy had no idea what was in store. God is smiling down on us even with something as small as a litter of pups!

They are so teensy and tiny, 3 spotted like Sugar, 2 are black. We aren't even sure who the Daddy is, but perhaps a beagle. We aren't sure and probably will never know what these little mutts are, but they are our little mutts! Now we are just praying that they stay strong and healthy!

And....I won't mention any names....none whatsoever...but there are 4 little kiddos that will have a little furry surprise in the backyard just around Thanksgiving time! It is a tip top secret and one that will be hard to keep, but worth keeping. The holidays will be rough in many ways, so this little extra smile from heaven will, at least, ease the sting a bit. My Daddy would be totally thrilled at the thought of my kids rolling around on the grass with their new furry buddy:-) I am too! Now....to come up with a name for a GIRL doggie that will keep the memory alive. We are leaning towards "Gigi" even though "Hunter (sounds kind of boyish), Peanut , and Sonner (joke!)" are all in the running. I suppose we have 6-8 weeks to decide!

Feeling Loved

We had talked a while back about visiting Poplar Spring again. It has been 3 years since we left there. 3 weeks ago when Daddy died, I had such an overwhelming outpouring of love from that church. It was amazing to me. Just looking out into the sea of funeral visitors and seeing those familiar faces that are only there, because they love you, is something you never quite understand until you are there. My mailbox was full of cards and notes from these people that entire week. I always loved that church, God called us elsewhere 3 years ago, and not until 3 weeks ago, did I realize what we were missing out on. I knew when they reached out to us in such a special way that we had to make the trip to see them and tell them that. WE finally didn't have SS duty for the first time in 4 months too.

It was so sweet to get those hugs, love, brags on my children, and feel like I was "home" in a way. The preacher is new, the song leader is new, but those people in the pews are the same. That church is moving, growing, expanding, and doing some new exciting things. I'm so happy to see how well they are doing. It doesn't even really take that long to get there with that new highway (where was that thing years ago when we needed it?)

I sat there this morning and pondered to myself. The music was more traditional than even when we left, the preaching style was similar to Bro. Dennis (not that that is an insult), you have to dress up a bit more to feel like you aren't the odd man out, but it is a trade off in our minds. Go to a church where they have a big huge heart and maybe not the "style" you prefer. Or go to a church where the teaching/preaching is challenging and thought provoking, the music is more to your liking, your children are learning to have a missions heart, and wearing a pair of jeans is even encouraged, yet perhaps lack something that Poplar Spring blows them away with? I don't know right now, but I'm praying for clear direction in my life. Our emotions are on edge right now and I don't want to run away from something good just because of flaws humans that fill those chairs.

I told the pastor before we left how amazing the love in his church was. I really mean that. It is RARE to find that anymore, I think. It is appreciated more than you'll ever know when life seems to be kicking you in the gut.

I will also say that our pastor at Community is beyond amazing. When I talked to him just this week about some of my feelings that I'm going through, he understood, prays for us, and is working on making things better. It is a 10 year old church with a lot of younger people and a lot of newer Christians. He admitted that helping people grieve is a weak spot in our church, and he vowed to me to make it better. They actually voted this morning, I think, to fill a new position to take the reigns of a new ministry to help with this. It is seeing "growing pains" so to speak from the influx of new people over the past 2 years. In the meantime, I felt a bit...um....forgotten (lack of a better word here) in my grief. I don't expect a pity party, I do expect some condolences and a listening ear, which I lack right now (from someone on the outside of this).

God bless Poplar Spring! I will always consider you home even if I don't go there anymore. It is very special to my heart!

Muddling Through

I told someone last night at church that I was "muddling through" life right now. That is kind how I feel. I don't know how else to explain it. I may look normal on the outside, but my insides are a huge confused mess. I wonder if I'll ever quite feel the same, actually. I've heard "time heals" but I've also heard that you never really get 'over it' you just learn to get 'through it'. I'm not sure which one of those choices I like better right now, honestly. Nothing sounds too good right now unless we can push rewind, and we can't. We are encountering "firsts"and "reminders" already with the slew of fall birthdays we have in our family.

I actually went a day this week without crying. Baby steps is still progress I guess! My hairdresser talked to me and as weird as that sounds it was therapy to me. She lost her dad without warning 5 years ago and she "gets it". Like REALLY gets it! I could really express my feelings and frustrations and she nodded along realizing where she was 5 years ago in her nightmare. I left there feeling a bit refreshed and didn't even care about my hair in the least (oddly enough since that is what I went for). For now, I'll take 1 good day and it is all relative at this point. Good compared to what? Not good compared to September 9th when I went to sleep, but pretty decent compared to September 10th at 3:20 am. I guess I'll take it.

Everybody has moved on (rightfully so, it doesn't effect them), but my family and I are still reeling from all this. How confused we all are that Daddy was completely fine and actually having a good few weeks and then snatched away from this world in his sleep. He went so peacefully too. I know that should make us feel thankful and maybe it would if he were OLD. I'm not very thankful about any of it right now.

I have successfully told my church "no" to 2 responsibilities presented to me the past few days. The pastor said I should take it as a compliment, but I don't really care right now. I don't ever say "no" much. I really just want to scream, "Don't you get it! My world is changed! I have to figure how to be normal again before I can put anything else on my plate! Don't you see that I'm busy with a husband that is gone at night and taking care of my 4 kids? I was actually pretty dang busy before all this, Don't you GET IT! My Daddy is gone forever!" The reality? No, they don't get it. They aren't meant to. It is not their pain to have. Most people asking things of me have 2 parents that they can talk to this very second if they chose to. I don't anymore! It makes me jealous at times. It shouldn't, but it does.

I've found that I can be around people and still feel lonely though. Isn't that strange? I go to church and feel misunderstood, unknown, and that nobody really cares what is going on (just what I can do for them). A place that should bring me comfort, I have to force msyelf to go to, and it is just not comforting to me. I go through bouts of being sad, angry, lonely, and even times where I have to remind myself that I'm not in a nightmare that I can wake up from. Everybody else in the world seems happy to me. I know they aren't. I know they may be acting just like me or they have conflicting emotions (like me), but it just feels and seems that way. I've found people, in general, pretty selfish and I suppose I am too. We are all sinful and selfish by nature.

I look at my husband and see a man that I love even more than I did just 19 days ago, which I would have argued was impossible. He is a good Godly man! I look at my kids and they are precious and so sweet. They are the reason I get up in the morning right now and muddle through the day (and smile!). I look at my sweet Mama and see a woman that is grieving her husband. A loss that I can't even wrap my mind around at the moment. God bless her! My sister and I can relate to each others pain as it is the same loss. My children and my nieces lost their G-Daddy (all too young to be dealing with this) and it saddens my heart for them and what they will miss out on. I'm leaning on God and my family right now.

Reduced to Memories and Pictures

My sister sent me this newspaper picture from 2006. It makes me smile. My Daddy helped build the huge brick signs at Murray State. We had so many people last week tell us how great my Daddy was at laying brick and how hard of a worker he was. This, we already knew. He was great at his craft. I know that he would fuss sometimes about laying blocks, because it was so hard of a job. He would also complain a bit if he had to lay those irregular stones/bricks, which were beautiful, but kind of a pain to do. He didn't like doing the smooshed mortar, because he felt like it wasn't "finished" although he did whatever was asked of him. He went to bed around 8:00 when he was working, because he was out the door by 6:00am. I remember hearing him take a shower in the mornings before I was even thinking of getting up. I appreciate that more now than I did then, I think. Teenagers don't realize how parents get tired too.

My Daddy was told in April/May 2008 that if he didn't have a major back surgery, he would be in a wheelchair or worse. He had surgery the week we moved to Owensboro where they fused 5 disks together and while he did well, he never felt good again,, and was unable to work. He was in chronic pain, although somewhat managed. All these back problems were caused by him providing for his family all those years. I took for granted all of this while I was growing up. I suppose all kids do. Daddy was feeling so much better the last couple of weeks of his life due to a new pain management plan and doctor. Again, the long term results were cut short, but I am thankful that he was feeling good for a short while.

I cooked a batch of okra today for lunch and had a sliced cucumber on the side. This was picked by my Daddy before he passed. I don't know if it was the last day he was alive or sometime that week, but I teared up while cooking that food. It is the last food I'll ever eat that my Daddy planted, hoed, and picked. Jamie said his garden should have been featured in a magazine with its perfect straight rows, the dirt all turned over beautifully, and lack of weeds. He was the gardener expert and I was going to pick his brain next year, because Jamie and I are thinking of doing a small garden. I can always read a book, ask someone else, or figure it out on my own, but it won't be the same. He would have enjoyed teaching me how to do this. I grew up with a garden, picked veggies, and shelled peas, but I always just took for granted the work that went into it before we were sitting down to dinner. My Daddy made tomato juice the day before he died. He was having a good day and week. That makes me happy and confused about all this at the same time, I think.

We are now reduced to memories and pictures of the past. I can still hear my Daddy's voice in my head and his laugh. I wonder how long it'll be before it fades. Will it fade? I don't want it to. Will my kids remember? I don't know and that bothers me. Will I always be waiting for him to walk in the back door of the house when I visit? It is so strange to see your Daddy who provided for you, played games with you, gave you advice as an adult stricken by death too soon. He died so peacefully that I know eternity caught him by surprise as much as it did us. What was he doing those last few hours/minutes? Will I ever get the images of his lifeless body sitting in his favorite chair and the morticians carrying him off 3 hours later out of my head? When I turn 66, will I be afraid to sleep? Will I ever get over the fact that some people I love didn't reach out to us during the the most painful shocking moments of our lives? Did these people that dismissed the first 2 days of his death, realize how much a phone call or acknowledgement would mean? I don't know the answer to any of these questions. The biggest question of all is "Why?" God only knows.

Every relationship has ups and downs in life and ours was no different. I realized on 9-10-11 at 3:20 in the morning that nothing else mattered in the world though. I have had thoughts of some of the funniest, special, and unique memories that made my earthly Father my "Daddy" It is funny how God brings these things to the surface and anything negative is buried and gone. God is so very good!

I've also seen how strong my mother is. My Grandmother lost her husband in much the same manner, so I know that Mama had a wonderful example of how to "live" after your soul mate is gone. My Mother, while going through this horrific loss, has been a comfort to her family too, because she "gets it" having been in these shoes. My mother came to a soccer game last Saturday, went to work on Tuesday (she only works 2 days, but this was a major step), and while she worries about the unknown she reminds us all "I'm going to be all right...I'm strong". This I know! While the almost 500 people that loved us last week, go on with their lives, we are suddenly left alone and in the dark about where to go with our grief. Our hearts are still aching even if we smile on the outside. I can enjoy my children and laugh in life with a missing piece of my heart that is 6 feet under in Story's Chapel Cemetery. How is it possible to laugh and be sad at the same time and when will this begin to sink in and feel normal again. I almost have to chant to myself, "your Daddy is dead" or I hardly even believe it myself.

My life with Daddy has been reduced to memories and pictures, but that's not all! I look at my Mama, sister, nieces, and children and know that his memory will go on and we will make it. Holidays will be hard, especially the first year, but we will trudge ahead and make "life" and more memories. One thing is for sure, I'm not sweating the small stuff at the moment and I am not taking our remaining parents, grandparents, and family for granted!

Soccer Girls

Saturday the girls played games. It was the 1st game for the big girls and the first time they played together on the field. I really enjoyed watching them out there together. They are both turning out to be very good players! Chloe was the superstar of the team, scoring 8 points by herself (no goalie in this league). She is just so fast. She is shortest, but the quickest, so don't let the Hughes girls' sizes fool you! I was so surprised to see how Chloe honestly "gets" how to play. Some of the others don't, so I guess that goes with being the little sister of 2 other soccer stars:-)

Abbi and Hannah's team lost...big time! Abbi has never lost a game and this is her 4th season of playing. It is a young team and some inexperience is out there. My girls knew their stuff, but a few others kind of didn't (oops!). The funny thing is by the time soccer season is over, they'll be getting better.

This is our first weekend/week back to "normal". I honestly don't even know if I'll ever feel normal again though. I can smile and laugh at my children and enjoy them, but there is an ache in my heart at the same time. I miss my Daddy more than I ever realized I would. I wish I could tell him that. There are many moments where I'm happy and sad together and these emotions don't make sense to me. I know we'll get there. I am sometimes sad, mad, numb, etc. I'm so confused on what to say or do sometimes. My poor Mama lost her husband and that saddens my heart.

Chloe asked me if she could name her special doggie she sleeps with "G-daddy". I told her that sounded nice and she said, "I didn't want you to be sad when you heard that name". My kids are worried about me and that is so sweet. They've seen a lot this week emotionally, but they are tough cookies on when they grow up, they'll understand more.

I went to church and got some really caring hugs and words. I also saw this past week how wonderful my husband is. Last year was a hard time for us, but was a cake walk compared to this valley I'm in. He sees me hurting and tries desperately to hold me, help me, and make things easier right now. He has held me as I sobbed and he has listened to me and helped me vent. He also has done piles of laundry and things around the house when I just didn't give a care this week. He was right there by my family's side and doing whatever needed to be done that we just didn't have time or energy for (making errands, going to town, burning trash, etc). I knew that after 23 years of knowing Jamie and 17 years of marriage that he was a good man, but this week has really shown me how much he truly loves me AND my family. It is amazing to have him by my side in life and I know this is hard on him too. He spoke at my Daddy's graveside service beautifully even if the words were hard to come at first. I appreciate my man in a whole new way.

God will help us muddle through this one way or another.

Our Best Seller!

My sister and I decided we are going to write a book on what NOT to say or do when someone dies. It is INSANE the things that people think is comforting. I was standing by her in the receiving line and we'd say, "add that to our book." Why don't they teach this stuff in schools? Maybe they should, because at some point we all have to face this. I mean sometimes just a simple, "I'm sorry, praying for you" is much appreciated followed by a hug.

Don't say (these are all taken from actual and true events from the past week):

• "When my (Grandpa, Uncle, cousin etc) died...." Yea, right now it is me that is going through this crap, so don't compare your stories. This is not helpful! This is my Daddy laying here, not a Grandpa or Uncle and that is completely and totally different anyways.
  
• "Death is a part of life" Yes, it is, but it has never been a part of my life like this, so this reminder doesn't help me.
• "Be so glad that he didn't suffer, this is the best way to go" Really? At 66!??!??! For my Daddy? Absolutely!!! For us? Not so much! Have you ever lost someone with no warning? There is NO 'best way' to go through this. Sorry folks, my Dad was fine one second, then gone the next and none of us got to tell him 'good-bye'. I don't want to watch anybody suffer (been there done that with Grandparents), but getting bulldozed by it isn't really all that better either. It all SUX!
• "You may feel guilty for a while for not getting to say anything to him, but that will get better in time" Ummmm....ok? That makes me feel very comforted since this is the part I am currently struggling with!!!
  
• "This is God's plan". Yes, I'm a Christian and fully believe that, but it is also Ok for me to shake my head and be angry with the way things happened. I don't think I'll ever be "ok" for my Daddy dying at 66 even if it is God's plan. I agree that it is, but it doesn't make it feel better right now.
• "He looks different than the last time I saw him" while passing by my Daddy's body laying there. followed by, "But I haven't seen him in 20 years". Ok, do YOU look like you did 20 years ago? Probably not, so this is a crazy comment.
• "Are you pregnant?" and I responded "No" and then the old lady pointed to my abdomen and said, "You might want to check and make sure". I think I just stared at her stunned! Seriously! I've had 4 kids, my body is not the size of a super model, but neither was hers! If this had been at Wal-mart, I probably would have cried, but in light of recent events in my life, I got a good laugh out of it. I suddenly did become paranoid that I chose the wrong outfit though.
• "It's OK" Nope, it really isn't OK! Not at all!
• "I know how you feel" No you really don't! Even if you have lost your Daddy, you still don't know how I feel, so just don't say that!
• "Was he sick?" I had to explain HOW my Daddy died over and over the other night. People are curious and mean well, but it was hard having to go through that a million times too. My answer, "My Daddy had some health problems that were under control and he could have lived with for a long time....he was not terminal in any way"
  

Don't:

• Take pictures. Yea, we had some friend taking pictures at the graveyard and we didn't want that. If in doubt, always run things by the family first, because they are what matters right now!
• Not be around in the beginning. It is funny how we have all remembered people that "should have" been there for us, but weren't. It is hurtful and something I can't even really explain. It is amazing how a simple phone call, visit, etc. can help you to realize who really loves you in times of crisis.
• Compare
• Put items on the Grave sight (or heaven forbid anywhere else) unless you ask the FAMILY...period! We found an item placed on the grave after we got back from lunch the day of the burial. It was not welcome in the least and was very upsetting to us all. Just don't!
• Underestimate what it is like to bury your parent if you have never been in these shoes. I've lost a Grandmother that I was extremely close to, yet nothing compares to the pain I am feeling at this moment. It is unreal! You know you'll have to face this some day, but you always think that they'll be 85 or something.
  

Do:

• Call
• Go to the family. I always thought I'd be a bother and in the way and Saturday was crazy with visits and phone calls, but afterwards I realize how much love there was towards my family.
• Go to the funeral visitation and if you can't send (at minimum) a sympathy card.
• Give hugs. I'm generally not a huggy person outside of my family, but those hugs were much appreciated
• Offer childcare. I had this offer and didn't really take them up on it, but it was just nice to know there was more options.
• Tell them that you are praying, but you also have to follow through on that promise! FAmilies need it long after the person is in the ground.
• Tell them that you are sorry and mean it!
• Tell them a funny or memorable story with the person that has died (I did like hearing good stories). It made me realize that my Daddy's memory will live on outside of my family and it makes me smile.
• Give the Grandkids something special just for them. My kids got a little necklace from our preacher/wife and they have not taken them off all week. Chloe also got a stuffed animal from her best friend in Owensboro.
  

So here is brainstorming for my best selling book. I promise to give everybody an autographed copy;-)

The past couple of days have been better around here. I usually can save my tears for after the kids go to bed at least (poor Jamie). I still have an ache in my heart that I can't explain. It was very strange for me to go to soccer practice last night and act like things were just peachy in my life when I feel like things are crumbling around me. God is good though and we Waldrop women are a strong bunch of ladies!

Pray for us as we learn to live without my Daddy.

Harder Than I Realized

Losing a parent is harder than I ever really realized, so God please forgive me for not understanding before Saturday at 3:20 am. There is a vacant hole in my heart that just hurts. It hurts so bad that I can't even really explain to anybody that hasn't experienced this. It was so sudden and unexpected that it has all been a freight train of mourning in hyper speed. I really feel for people that lose people in accidents, because in a similar fashion we weren't expecting this news at all. I don't know which end is up. I haven't even had to process it all and he is in the ground. We all know in our heads that we have to be on this end of things at some point in life, but I am selfish and wanted him to live to be OLD, see his grandkids grow up and make more memories.

Seeing the hearse drive by my parents house and pause made it all too real. I did pretty well at the funeral home and even seeing him laying there one last time. I cried, but I was alright. But I was not alright the second that hearse drove by my parent's house. My Daddy lived there his entire life and was always running up and down the road. I knew it was the last time he'd be down that road and by his earthly home. So, I became a screeching hyperventilating basketcase. I felt like the world was swirling around me in fast forward and slow motion at the same time. I wanted to stomp and scream and cry and make myself feel better yet I couldn't stop what was happening and I still didn't feel better. I stepped out of the car and I couldn't hold it back. Denisha came and grabbed me as I sobbed, then Davida. I knew I needed to walk yet I couldn't feel like I could stand up straight. I turned around and got in my husband's arms while my knees buckled and I screamed into his chest. I didn't care who was there staring at me or anything else at the moment. Time had stopped. I finally pulled it together and held hands with my sister to the hole in the ground where my Daddy's body will lay.

My Daddy is gone! My DADDY! I'm so mad about that!!!! My mother just retired this year and he was feeling so much better lately with his back. They had plans to do a few fun things and had even discussed her quitting to retire full time (she still works 2 days a week). He never got to take my kids fishing and he was going to this fall and I can't call and ask him how to plant my garden next year.

My Mama lost her husband of 43 years and seeing her go through this valley, is so hard. You just have such big plans in life and sometimes life is cut too short by our earthly standards. We don't understand this. God bless people that go through deaths of spouses or children. Right now I just can't comprehend. The last 5 days have been the hardest I have ever experienced.

I have also held my children as they cried and I told them that it is OK to be sad. It breaks my heart even more to see my kids crying, mourning, and not understanding. They've never been faced with death in a real way before and I had prepared them for great grandparents passing, but I never mentioned grandparents. NEVER! I didn't realize this would be reversed in our lives. I didn't think I'd have to tell them that their G-Daddy is in heaven, which is good, but he can't be here to play with them anymore, feed them lifesaver, or tell silly stories. I fear that Chloe won't even remember him, Hannah barely, and it breaks my heart, because I want them to hold onto it. They have seen alot of crying, laughter, tears, and questioning this weekend and they are strong good kids. I know that. I wanted him to see them grow up. Micah's middle name is David and that is more special than ever now.

In the midst of all this, we know that Daddy is with Jesus and his back no longer aches and he can see his sister, Mother, and grandparents again. We know the people that truly care about us, because they reached out to us even before the funeral visitation. Those phone calls, visits, food, and kind words meant so much Saturday and Sunday.

We think around 450-500 people (over an hour's wait) was at the visitation, and about 50 at the graveside. My Daddy was a loved man!

On Sunday afternoon my mother called us out to see a rainbow. It was the most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen and for the first time all weekend, I saw some peace in my Mother's face and some joy looking up at that rainbow. It was beautiful to our eyes, but also warming to our souls as we were reminded of God's promises. God be with us during this difficult time.

9-10-11 is a Date I'll Never Forget

I got a phone call at 3:15 this morning that has changed my life. When my phone rang, I knew immediately there was a problem when I saw my parent's number on the caller ID. I thought that maybe one of my parents was ill and needed help, my Papaw had died, or something worse. My mother was crying on the other end and told me that my Daddy had died. It was sudden. It was unexpected. It was all just too much for a moment. He went peacefully and without pain. I don't think we are ever prepared for these phone calls in life that change everything.

The entire day has been a whirlwind of watching coroners, morticians, family, friends, food that I can't quite stomach to even eat, funeral arrangements, telling my Papaw that he has outlived all his family, tears, memories, pictures, questions, concerns, holding my mother as he cries,and numbness. My stomach was in knots and it didn't feel real. The things I saw, heard, and felt today are things you never want to deal with, but have to some day. These are things that are a part of life, but shouldn't be happening to a 66 year old man. I didn't want to deal with these things until my parents had lived to be a ripe old age.

My Dad had a few health problems, had chronic pain from a back surgery, but had been feeling better lately and did not have a terminal illness. He made tomato juice yesterday, fiddled around outside, argued politics with my Papaw, and apparently drew his last breath within a couple of hours of midnight. My parents have had some eerily forshadowing conversations the past week or so and for that we are forever thankful and grateful.

Where was our warning in all this? I left this evening and went to my little children who also lost their G-Daddy at too young of an age to be thinking about this. He had big plans to take them fishing, which never happened and would feed them enough life savers to make them sick each time they visited. Not long ago, he sat out on my back patio after I moved and played Old Maid with my kids and would bluff them and get the biggest kick out of it. One reason I bought a brick house was due to my Daddy working many years laying brick. I can't hardly think of buying a house that is anything else.

Tonight I had to hold my children as they cried and told me that they wanted to be brave so I wouldn't cry. What sweet little souls! They make me smile even in the midst of sorrow and confusion.

Here is my parents and all the grandkids on (what we didn't know was) Daddy's last Christmas 2010:


Here is my Daddy a few years ago taking my kids for a Redneck hayride (ha ha):

Lewis and Clark Expedition in our own backyard

We have been working on an Exploration unit since school began. The kids (and I) have learned quite a bit the past few weeks. I'm the parent/teacher and still wondering why we have Columbus on the calendar in the United States though. That is not to say that I have not taught my kids about him, but they also know that he never came to the United States and died thinking he was in the Indies. Yes, this has been a topic of many discussions around the Hughes house the past few weeks. Aren't we an interesting bunch?

Today we had fun though. We have been studying Lewis and Clark and how they wore Moccasins, which often tore, exposed their feet to the elements and prickly pear (ouch!), and yet they still kept going. In light of this and it being Fun Friday (every Friday is "Fun Friday") we made our own moccasins out of brown paper and went exploring in the yard. They walked on gravel, concrete, grass, mulch, and a tree stump. I tried to convince them to let me poke them with holly leaves to get the full effect, but they decided against this experiment. I don't blame them!





Ironically enough, by the end of the Hughes Expedition, their shoes were worn on the bottom and their feet was exposed.

We had some good silly fun while learning this morning:-)

On another note, I think we are changing the name of our homeschool. Tweaking it a bit, at least. I've never been satisfied with it. It is unimaginative and boring. When Micah came home that day crying and said he wanted me to pull him out, I wrote my letter in about 5 minutes and didn't care what our name was. In KY, you have to have a name by law, because you are essentially considered a private school. It is kind of too late this year, but we may unofficially switch anyways. This may seem silly to some, but this is the name that will quite possibly be on the top of transcripts, diplomas, etc. so it becomes kind of important when you think of it that way.

In the meantime, Jamie is off half the day today, so we are pushing along so we can go have some fun:-) The weekend is upon us and Friday is my favorite day of the week!

Add Another Movie to My List

We just has this conversation a few nights ago at Jamie's parent's house. Movies that we have seen, and don't want to see again for whatever reason. It isn't that these movies are bad, but some are just emotionally draining. For example, Marley and Me is on my list and Saving Private Ryan is on Jamie's. Ironically enough, my favorite movie of all times is Steel Magnolias. It makes me laugh and cry, but the comic relief is really what makes this movie even though I cry every time I see it anyways. I know that a giggle is around the corner and the movie ends positive, so that makes it a good movie to watch more than once.

We watched Soul Surfer last night. It was a movie about a young lady who lost her arm in a shark attack, but had a strong faith in God, and that is very evident in her life. I swear I went through more tissues watching this movie than Steel Magnolias, Marley and Me, and every Nicholas Sparks movie combined. As soon as they show the mother getting the phone call and frantically rushing to the hospital (the ambulance actually passes her), I was in a weepy puddle the rest of the film. She is frantically chanting to God, "Please don't take her, please don't take her..." and I lost it some more.

I'd think, "Ok, the crying is over" then here would come another wave of crying. Even the end, which was positive, had me in a weepy mess. I really liked the movie, so don't get me wrong, it may just go in the ranks of movies that I'm glad I saw, but will never be watched again. Where is Weezer and Clairee when you need them to make you laugh? That is what this movie was missing...some of that comic relief.

"Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion" (Dolly Pardon as Truvy in Steel Magnolias)

Books and Reading

Chloe had her first soccer practice the other night and a common conversation that occurs when we meet new people goes something like this:

Them: Where do your kids go to school?
Me: We homeschool
Them: Wow, I don't think I could ever do that! (then insert reason)
Me: (smile and nod, because I don't really know an appropriate response) Where do your kids go to school?

I don't know why people choose to validate their decisions, because that is why there are many choices in the world, but I digress.

This conversation went further than the above and the woman added, "I don't even have time to read my child a book much less homeschool her". I know I probably looked like a deer in the headlights at this point (with a smile and a nod). She said at night her child asks to read a book and she tells her to choose a book and just look at the pictures and make up a story, because she is too tired to read to her. Another mom that was sitting there chimed in and agreed.

I get it, I really do. Mommies work hard! If you work outside the home or not, you are a hard working woman. It is one of the biggest responsibilities we'll ever encounter. We are pulled in a million different directions, wear many hats, have many stresses, questions ourselves daily, ridden with Mommy guilt, and yet we love this job and tearfully dread the day our kids will move out!

But, I couldn't help but pause when this lady said this. She didn't read to her child regularly? That is just so hard for me to wrap my simple mind around. I'm the crazy lady that buys baby/children's books for Baby showers, because those are items that are saved, passed down, and enjoyed for years. You can go over any Grandma's house and they still have those treasured items packed away for the next generations to enjoy and they get to read them all over again with grandkids cuddled up in their laps.

My kids have always had books and it has absolutely nothing to do with homeschooling or not. It was already a big part of our lives. I have visited the library with my children since they could toddle. We've always hunkered down at some point during the evening and enjoyed a good book all snuggled up together. I love it when my kids say, "just one more chapter, I want to know what happens next!" These are where some memories are made!

Are we so busy these days, that we can't make time for these simple pleasures? My niece who teaches Kindergarten made a comment that some of her students didn't fill in their weekly reading log. The reason? They didn't have time. 5-10 minutes is really all the "time" you need sometimes though. Even in this busy world where time is a commodity, can you not find 5 minutes to reconnect and enjoy a story with your child?

I sometimes think I was born in the wrong generation. I'll exit off my soapbox now and leave this rant, and continue to read to my children and produce the future generation of nerds.

By the way, now that my kids are older, I catch them reading to each other. Now that is what warms my heart even more:-)